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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29819001">you're the song that I can't stop singing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/strideofpride/pseuds/strideofpride'>strideofpride</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gossip Girl (TV 2007)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU after 6x05, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dan Humphrey is Not Gossip Girl, Dan-centric, F/M, Fix-It, blair is a mess, dair endgame, lots of Derena friendship, lots of chats about feelings, they are probably too self aware in this for GG but whatever</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:41:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29819001</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/strideofpride/pseuds/strideofpride</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“She hurt me, too,” he says softly. “We hurt each other, in ways we both knew would scar. There’s no coming back from that.” </p><p>“Or…did you think maybe that you’re perfectly even? Now you can move forward.” </p><p>“What kind of twisted Upper East Side logic is that?” he asks. But he smiles a little as he says it. </p><p>Or, a hopefully not too painful season 6 AU.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Humphrey &amp; Serena van der Woodsen, Dan Humphrey/Blair Waldorf, background Chuck Bass/Blair Waldorf, background Rufus Humphrey/Lily van der Woodsen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you're the song that I can't stop singing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is one of two long fics I’ve been working on. It was inspired by me watching Dair clips from 6x04 and 6x05 and thinking "damn, there is definitely something still there". So yeah, this is AU from 6x05 onwards and of course, Dan is not Gossip Girl because that's dumb.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s nice, sitting there in the diner with Serena. There had been an uncomfortable wall between them for years now, ever since she found out Dan and Blair were friends behind her back at that Pink Party.</p><p>But the ice is finally starting to thaw, wall starting to crumble, and it’s nice to laugh and joke with her again, nice that not every moment between them feels emotionally loaded now. <em>It’d be so easy to go back to Serena</em>, Dan thinks. But the getting together part has never been their problem and Dan doesn’t want that anymore anyway.</p><p>She slides her hand over his at one point, but Dan pulls away and sighs. “Serena…I love you, I do. I’ll always care about you and want nothing but the best for you, even when I pretend otherwise. But…” Dan hesitates, knowing this will be equally hard for her to hear as much as it is for him to admit out loud. “I’m still<em> in love</em> with Blair. I’m always going to be in love with Blair, I think. If Georgina couldn’t fuck it out of me, I don’t know what else could get her out of my system.”</p><p>Serena cringes but laughs, putting her hand over her face. “God, I really wish I hadn’t heard that last part. And…I know. I’ve known for a long time. From that night at the Pink Party onward, I always knew you two were inevitable. I just couldn’t accept it. I didn’t want to accept it. I think if anything, knowing you wanted her, knowing I couldn’t have you…it just made me want you more.” She sighs and shifts in her seat. “I’m not exactly used to not getting what I want.”</p><p>“That’s surprisingly self-aware,” Dan remarks.</p><p>Serena shrugs. “What can I say, I’m trying to grow up.”</p><p>He looks at her seriously. “And you are, I can see that.”</p><p>She starts to tear up. “I’m sorry, Dan. I’m sorry I manipulated you into sleeping with me, I’m sorry I filmed it, I screwed everything up just like I always do.”</p><p>Dan does take her hand this time. “You’re not to blame here. Well, not entirely,” he attempts to joke.</p><p>Serena keeps on crying though. “I – she’s never going to forgive me. I went too far this time.”</p><p>“Who? Blair? Of course, she’ll forgive you. You’re Blair and Serena, you’re the only person she comes back to more than Chuck,” he tries to comfort her.</p><p>Serena shakes her head, picking up a napkin off the table to dry her face. “You didn’t hear what she said. I’ve never seen her so…so done with me.”</p><p>“What, for sleeping with me? Blair doesn’t really care, she picked Chuck that night, remember?”</p><p>Serena shots him an unamused look. “How can someone so smart be so stupid? Of course she cares; after tonight, I think she might still be in love with you, too.”</p><p>Dan starts getting angry now. “No, you’re wrong, Serena. Blair never loved me.”</p><p>“Aren’t you supposed to be the one who knows her best now? If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t have cared that you slept with me. She wouldn’t have let you be her date tonight. And she definitely never would’ve let you move in with her.”</p><p>Dan waves her off. “She was just being nice. She probably just felt pity for me, that I had nowhere else to go.”</p><p>“Dan…Blair never does things just to be nice or out of pity.” Serena did have a point there, Dan allows.</p><p>“But why go back to Chuck then? Or the idea of him, really. After everything he’s put her through, is still putting her through…”</p><p>Serena sighs sadly. “I don’t know,” she admits. “Old habits die hard? Plus…well, you’re not going to want to hear this.” Dan hasn’t wanted to hear a lot of this, but he gestures for her to go on anyway. “You sleeping with me, that kinda just confirmed her worst fears. That you’re going to be just like Nate, pining after her best friend, making her feel all insecure.” Dan opens his mouth, words of protest on the tip of his tongue, but Serena holds up her hand and stops him. “We both know that’s not what happened but look at it from Blair’s perspective. And, I think in her mind, she probably thinks no one else but Chuck could ever love her.”</p><p><em>“Who else could love me after what I've become?”</em> Dan remembers her saying at Dorota’s wedding. <em>Me</em>, Dan thinks. He could love her; he <em>does</em> love her.</p><p>He doesn’t repeat that to Serena though, saying instead, “What, did you get a psych degree over the summer too?”</p><p>She giggles. “Steven was very into group therapy.”</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes. “So…now what?”</p><p>“Well, I was going to go back to my mom’s tonight. You can come too, if you want, stay in Eric’s old room. I’m sure she’d be happy to see you.”</p><p>“I appreciate the offer, but I was talking about Blair.”</p><p>“Oh. Maybe just let her cool off for now?”</p><p>“All my stuff is still there, though,” he says glumly. “Assuming she hasn’t set it on fire already.”</p><p>Serena shakes her head. “No, she probably didn’t want to be alone, I bet she’s at Chuck’s. You should go and sneak over there now, Dorota would totally let you in.” Dan hesitates, so Serena adds, “I can go with you. If you want.”</p><p>The idea of going back to the penthouse chills Dan to his bones, but he also doesn’t want to see his stuff get ruined either. “Alright, yeah, let’s do it.”</p><p>---</p><p>It’s too late though. When he and Serena get off the elevator, they find that all of Dan’s stuff has already been scattered down the stairs, lining the floor of the foyer. He can hear Blair screaming obscenities, but she stops when the door to the elevator closes, suddenly appearing at the top of the steps.</p><p>“Chuck, you – “ Blair stops short as she catches sight of the two of them. She’s in just a slip, her hair down, her feet bare, her eyes and face red and puffy. A sick part of Dan thinks how she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen.</p><p>She crosses her arms angrily. “Of course you two are here. <em>Together</em>,” she spits out.</p><p>Dan holds up his hands. “We just came for my stuff and then we’ll go.”</p><p>“We figured you’d be at Chuck’s,” Serena adds. “We’ll just get Dorota to help us clean up and –“</p><p>“I sent Dorota home,” Blair interjects coldly. “Clean up yourselves. And do a good job, my mother is coming.” She turns to head back to her room, but Serena stops her.</p><p>“Wait, Eleanor is coming? Is everything okay?”</p><p>“You honestly think I’d talk to you about anything involving my life anymore? You’re both dead to me, don't you understand that?” she screams at them. “I never want to see your faces again! You can have what you want, Serena. Go run off and be happy with Dan and pretend like I never came between you two.”</p><p>Serena starts to cry again. “Nobody wants that Blair. I don’t care what you say, I’m not letting this friendship end, not over a boy.”</p><p>Dan takes a step back, starting to feel invisible, as Blair begins to cry too. “We’re not sixteen anymore. We can’t just go back and pretend everything’s fine.”</p><p>Serena starts to head up the stairs to Blair, slowly, as if she’s worried she’s going to frighten a skittish animal. “I’m not saying we should pretend. But let’s talk it out.”</p><p>“What’s there to talk about? You fucked my boyfriend and if that wasn’t enough, you made a sex tape of it, too,” Blair bitterly bites out.</p><p>“I fucked up, I know,” Serena says sadly. “I ruined my relationships with the two people I care most about in the whole world that night. You didn’t come between me and Dan…if anything, I came between you and him.”</p><p>Blair glances over at Dan, briefly, the first time she’s looked at him since she first appeared at the top of the steps. “I know the video might seem like evidence to the contrary,” Serena continues, “but you had nothing to be insecure about with Dan. He chose you. Not me.”</p><p>Blair looks down, playing with the hem of her slip. It feels like forever before she finally speaks again. “I think I just need to be alone right now.”</p><p>Serena hesitates. “I just…I don’t want you to do anything rash tonight.”</p><p>Blair raises an unamused eyebrow. “That’s real rich coming from you.”</p><p>“We’ll go,” Dan speaks up, not wanting it to get any nastier. “But you’ll call Serena first thing in the morning, okay.” It’s not a question, but a demand.</p><p>Blair doesn’t fight him on it, nodding instead. “Fine. Let yourselves out.” And with that, she heads back to her room.</p><p>Serena heads back down the stairs to him. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to just leave her like this?”</p><p>Dan nods. “You were right, she just needs to cool off. Help me gather my stuff?” She does and they head off to Lily’s, Dan taking one final, longing look behind him before he walks into the elevator.</p><p>---</p><p>The next morning at breakfast, Serena excitedly tells him that Blair did call like she promised and is willing to meet with her for lunch. “That’s great,” he tells her, and he means it, he does, but a part of him can’t help but be a little jealous.</p><p>Serena must notice the look on his face, because she tells him, “It’s easier for her to talk to me. She’s not in love with me.”</p><p>“Stop saying that,” he grits out through clenched teeth. “She’s made it very clear that she’d rather be with no one than with me. That’s not love.”</p><p>“You’re right, it’s fear. You hurt her Dan, hurt her in a way that ripped open a wound that never fully healed.”</p><p>“She hurt me, too,” he says softly. “We hurt each other, in ways we both knew would scar. There’s no coming back from that.”</p><p>“Or…did you think maybe that you’re perfectly even? Now you can move forward.”</p><p>“What kind of twisted Upper East Side logic is that?” he asks. But he smiles a little as he says it. “You know what Nelly Yuki said to me a few weeks back? That I’ll never be in this world, I’ll never fit in, and I should just give up trying.”</p><p>“Ouch.”</p><p>“No, no, she meant it in a nice way, you had to be there, but – “ Dan stops himself, not really sure where he’s even going with that thought.</p><p>Serena jumps in though. “Maybe she’s right. You<em> don’t</em> belong in this world. That’s always what I liked about you. You don’t need to sink to anyone’s level to get the girl,” she says pointedly.</p><p>Dan nods, thinking about it. “Nelly did say that I should stop playing by their rules and make my own.” He sits in that for another moment, before getting up from the table. “Excuse me.” He heads into the other room, dialing Georgina.</p><p>“Hello, darling,” she answers sarcastically. “Have a big fight with the princess last night?”</p><p>He cuts right to the chase. “I’m done. With <em>Inside Out</em>, <em>Vanity Fair</em>, the Blair Waldorf chapter, all of it. I don’t want to be this person anymore.”</p><p>Georgina just groans. “Ugh, call me when you’re fun again,” she says, before hanging up on him. Dan figures it’s probably for the best.</p><p>---</p><p>Dan spends the afternoon hanging around Lily’s penthouse, pretending he’s writing, but really waiting for Serena to come back so he can ask her how it went with Blair.</p><p>She finally walks in a little after five, and Dan jumps up off the couch too quickly, eager to hear what happened. “Hey, how’d it go?”</p><p>Serena smiles shyly. “It went as well as it could’ve probably. She’s not exactly happy with me still, but we talked it out a bit, and I think she’s kinda forgiven me.”</p><p>He nods. “Good, that’s good. Did she uh…did she say anything about me?”</p><p>Serena can’t seem to look him in the eye. “I don’t think it’s my place to say. I really think you should just talk to her directly.”</p><p>Dan huffs. “Not your place? You’ve been in the middle of this since forever.”</p><p>She gives him a pitying look. “I’m sorry, I am. But I still have to work on getting her trust back and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.”</p><p>“Does that mean what she said about me was good or bad?”</p><p>“Dan, stop!” But there’s a hint of a smile in Serena’s eyes.</p><p>---</p><p>Dan types out six different texts to Blair, unsure of himself, unsure of what he wants to say. He gives up eventually, sending a simple <em>Can we talk yet?</em> instead.</p><p>She waits twenty-four hours to respond. <em>Yes. Come over.</em></p><p>The petty part of Dan wants to make her wait too, but after ten minutes he can’t do it anymore, grabbing his jacket and rushing over to Blair’s.</p><p>When he gets there, she’s sitting primly at the dining room table, Chuck’s stupid ring still around her neck. “Humphrey.”</p><p>“Waldorf,” he bites back as he sits down next to her, getting a bit of joy out of the hurt that flashes in her eyes.</p><p>“You wanted to talk? Start talking,” she tells him.</p><p>Dan takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I slept with Serena that night. But you have to know it meant nothing to me. I didn’t have feelings for her then and I still don’t now. I just…she had told me you were with Chuck, which you were, for the record, and…that’s what I do when my relationship is falling apart. I turn to someone else. I guess it makes it less painful, makes it all feel justified. And I specifically turned to Serena because I knew it would hurt you. Because you hurt me too that night, Blair. I’m not the only guilty party.”</p><p>Blair’s expression is unreadable. “I’m sorry,” she says softly. “I just…didn’t know how to handle it.”</p><p>“And you thought the best way to tell me would be in an email? After everything we’ve been through, you couldn’t at least tell me in person that you didn’t love me, that you wanted to be with Chuck?”</p><p>Blair starts to cry. Dan desperately wants to reach out and comfort her, but he holds himself back. “It would’ve been too hard. You were my best friend. And seeing your face, doing it in person…I don’t think I could’ve done it.”</p><p>“And why is that?” Dan pushes.</p><p>She looks at him with her big, watery brown eyes and he swears his heart is going to beat right out of his chest. “I – I don’t know why. I didn’t want to hurt you, I guess. Despite what you probably think, I did care about you. I do care about you. I – “ She takes a shaky breath. “<em>I love you</em>.”</p><p>It feels both incredible and like torture to hear her finally say those words. “Why could you never tell me that? Why go back to him?”</p><p>“Because saying those words has been used like a weapon against me too many times now.”</p><p>“Yeah, b<em>y him</em>. So why go back to him?” Dan repeats himself.</p><p>“Because I know exactly what I’m getting into with Chuck, okay?” she says, sounding mad. “It’s easier to be with the idea of Chuck. The idea of Chuck can’t hurt me.” She doesn’t say <em>like you did</em>, but it’s implied.</p><p>“The idea of Chuck also can’t make you happy either,” he says sadly. She doesn’t say anything back, so he goes on. “Are you happy, Blair? With Waldorf Designs? You seemed really stressed about your mom visiting.”</p><p>She shakes her head. “I – it’s not exactly the future I envisioned for myself, no. But my mother entrusted me with her company, I can’t let her down.”</p><p>“Don’t you think that at the end of the day your mom just wants what’s best for you? Just wants you to be happy? And if running Waldorf Designs doesn’t make you happy, then you need to tell her.”</p><p>“You make it sound so easy,” she sighs. “What would I even do without Waldorf Designs anyway? It’s all I really have.”</p><p>Dan shakes his head. “No, you have me,” he reminds her. Blair starts to protest, but he keeps going. “I don’t care about how broken things are between us right now. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll do anything to fix it, to rebuild the trust between us.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I think you know why.” A cloud passes over her eyes then, and Dan realizes that she needs to hear him say it. “Because I’m still in love with you, that’s why.” He takes her hand then, finally breaching the invisible wall that’s been between them. “Look, I know you have your promise to Chuck. But until he acts on his side of the deal, I see no reason why I can’t stop fighting for you. But I’m done trying to do things the Upper East Side way. No schemes, no lies, just know that I’ll always come running whenever you need me, okay?”</p><p>Blair is silent, so Dan takes that as his cue to leave, getting up and grabbing his coat. He’s halfway to the elevator when she softly calls his name. His <em>first</em> name. He turns back around.</p><p>“Whoever cut your hair went way too short.” Dan smiles, knowing that’s as close to encouragement as he’s going to get.</p><p>---</p><p>He doesn’t hear from her for a week, so he spends his time making amends with Nate. Nate’s reluctant to even see him at first, but Dan bribes him with Bart’s box seats to the Knicks that Lily let him have for the night. Dan’s not particularly into basketball, but he’ll do anything to get Nate to talk to him again.</p><p>After they’ve split a pitcher of beer, he turns to Nate and apologizes. “I’m sorry about everything…<em>Vanity Fair</em> and the serial. I screwed you over for no reason but my own selfish desires. But you should know I’m done with <em>Inside Out</em>. I’m tired of playing the Upper East Side game. It’s not who I am. Or at least, not who I want to be anymore.”</p><p>Nate nods. “I’m glad to hear that, man. But maybe you were right, too, about how any of us would’ve done the same thing.” He sighs and looks away from Dan. “I used to dream about getting as far away from this world as possible. And now I feel like I’m more a part of it than I ever was.”</p><p>“So why don’t you?” Dan asks. “Get away, I mean.”</p><p>Nate shrugs, a rare pensive look on his face. “I wouldn’t even know how.” He’s silent for a few minutes before he says again, “It’s funny. A big part of why Blair and I never worked out was because we had been on this predetermined path since childhood. But no matter how hard we tried to get away from it, we still ended up exactly like our parents.” After a moment, he adds, “We all did really.”</p><p>Dan thinks of his father then, and how he had let the girl he loved get away, only to spend the rest of his life pining after her anyway. “God, I really hope it doesn’t stay that way.”</p><p>---</p><p>A few days after the Knicks game, he’s getting off the subway at Union Square when he gets a text from Blair.</p><p>
  <em>Rear Window is showing at the Angelika tonight.</em>
</p><p>There’s no question, no demand, almost like she’s just sharing a fact with him, as she would the weather report.</p><p>Dan simply texts back <em>Interesting</em>.</p><p>He goes, of course, and she’s there waiting for him right out front. To his dismay, Chuck’s ring is still around her neck.</p><p>Dan almost expects a return to the “field trip procedures” of the early days of their secret friendship, but she sits right next to him, even after he purposely chooses a row where there’s room for her to sit two seats away. She steals his popcorn too, but he finds it difficult to be mad about that.</p><p>Afterwards, he expects her to say nothing, not even a goodbye, but she turns to him instead and says, “Walk me home?”</p><p>“It’s ninety-five blocks…” Blair raises an eyebrow at him, and Dan remembers, <em>plausible deniability</em>. “But I suppose it would be the gentlemanly thing to do.”</p><p>---</p><p>Around 34th street, Dan finally works up the courage to ask what he’s been dying to ask all night. “Does Chuck know that you’re with me?”</p><p>Blair shoots him a look. “Don’t be silly.”</p><p>“So where does he think you are then?”</p><p>She doesn’t look at him for three blocks before she finally says, “He’s in the Sudan, looking for evidence against his father.”</p><p>Dan looks at her, surprised. “I thought he had it taken care of. Wasn’t Lily going to help?”</p><p>She shakes her head. “It didn’t work out.”</p><p>He starts to put two and two together, realizing what must’ve happened. “So, he pushed you away again?”</p><p>Blair starts to look angry now. “He can’t push me away when we’re still on pause. I’m waiting for him, remember?”</p><p>“Yeah, I remember,” he replies bitterly. “So, what, you’re just using me then? Filling your time until Chuck comes back?”</p><p>“Honestly…I don’t know what I’m doing.”</p><p>There must be something wrong with him, because instead of that statement making him even angrier, Dan just feels hope instead.</p><p>---</p><p>They spend the next few weeks exactly like old times, sneaking off to movies and museums. Blair doesn’t bring up Chuck and Dan doesn’t ask again.</p><p>One afternoon, he comes by to pick her up for the Andrea Zittel exhibition at MOMA, only to find her angrily yelling at her mother over the phone. She hangs up on her when she sees Dan. “I’m too stressed to enjoy Zittel today, go without me.”</p><p>Dan, of course, would rather stay and help her instead. “What was that all about?”</p><p>Blair waves her hand as if she’s swatting the question away. “Oh, nothing, I just quit Waldorf Designs is all.” She takes a seat on the couch and crosses her arms. Dan sits right down next to her.</p><p>“Hey, is this a good thing? A bad thing?”</p><p>She shrugs. “A little bit of both, I guess. I feel free for the first time in…” She hesitates, before finishing with, “In a very long time. But my mother isn’t happy with me, of course. Thinks I’ve wasted the opportunity she’s given me.”</p><p>He reaches out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “She’ll see eventually that this was the right thing for you. Now, you can go and figure out what you really want to do with your life.”</p><p>Blair nods but still looks a little upset. “Yeah, I guess. It just was nice…for a minute there, before I screwed it all up, she was actually proud of me.”</p><p>Dan swears he hears his heart break. He can’t help what he says next, the words tumbling out of his mouth, “Blair, I can make you feel good for a little bit. Please, let me make you feel good.” He’s practically begging, but he feels little shame.</p><p>Blair shoots him a look. “Just cause I’m not sleeping with Chuck right now, doesn’t mean I’m going to be sleeping with you.”</p><p>“I’m not talking about sex. Well, not really.” He raises an eyebrow and knows instantly that she has caught onto his meaning. He used to do this for her whenever she was particularly tense; she had claimed that it was the most effective stress relief she could find. <em>“Have you ever tried yoga?”</em>, he had joked, but he was always more than happy to.</p><p>He kneels in front of her, Blair parting her legs for him. He reaches under her skirt and begins to pull down her underwear.</p><p>He looks up at her then. “Can I?”</p><p>Blair simply nods and Dan leans in and puts his mouth on her. He doesn’t stop until she comes twice, whimpering and trembling afterwards.</p><p>---</p><p>After the couch incident, Blair avoids him for five days. Dan hears from Lily that Chuck is back in town and figures that has something to do with it as well.</p><p>He knows he’s outstaying his welcome at the Van der Basses’ but doesn’t feel ready to make up with his dad yet. Besides, Dan is almost twenty-two years old and has a <em>New York Times</em> bestseller; it’s probably time to find his own place.</p><p>He goes apartment hunting with Serena, who laughs in his face when he suggests looking at apartments on the Lower East Side, dragging him to the West Village instead. Later, when they’re walking down Jane Street, Dan can admit to himself that she was right.</p><p>He gets a couple leads on some good places, one of which Serena wants him to make an offer on right there, but he hesitates, making up an excuse about seeing it at nighttime. She sees right through his lie though. “You just want to make sure a certain someone likes it first, don’t you?” Dan ignores her and makes an appointment with the broker to see it again in a few days.</p><p>They go to get coffee afterwards, and once they’re seated on the bench outside, Serena turns to him and asks, “Do you think your dad is happy?”</p><p>He shrugs. “Not really talking to him right now, remember?”</p><p>She fiddles with the sleeve of her cup. “I know, it’s just…I don’t think my mom is really happy. Have you noticed any weirdness between her and Bart at all?”</p><p>Dan had been keeping his distance from Chuck’s father despite living under the same roof as him, and while Lily had been nothing but pleasant to him, Dan had kind of been too wrapped up in his own mess to really pay attention to her moods. “Not really, no, but…” He hesitates, not sure how much she knows about Chuck’s battle with Bart. “I’m not quite sure he’s the greatest guy.”</p><p>She rolls her eyes. “Duh, he <em>is</em> a Bass.”</p><p>Dan sighs. “No, I don’t just mean that…I mean truly dangerous. Like mixed up in illegal business, maybe. I mean, isn’t that kind of why he faked his own death, too? Because he was mixed up with the wrong people?”</p><p>Serena is silent for a few moments, before she says, “I wanna get my mom outta there. Whatever Chuck’s trying to do, it’s not quick enough.”</p><p>“I know my dad’s sleeping with Ivy, but…I don’t think he’s over Lily. I doubt he’ll ever get over her. Maybe we should <em>Parent Trap</em> them.” Dan’s joking, but he can tell by Serena’s face that she likes that idea a little too much.</p><p>“Wait, Dan – “</p><p>“Oh, no, no, no. Whatever Blair Waldorf-esque scheme you have going through that head of yours right now, leave me out of it.”</p><p>Serena pouts. “Oh, please!”</p><p>“I’m sorry, but no. I have my own messy love life to deal with.”</p><p>“How’s that all going?” she asks innocently as she takes a sip of her iced coffee, but Dan has a feeling Serena knows more than she’s letting on.</p><p>“I don’t know, honestly. Sometimes I think…” He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”</p><p>“But you guys are spending a lot of time together, right?”</p><p>“We were, until…” <em>Until I probably stepped over the line and ate her out</em>, he thinks.</p><p>“Until Chuck came back?” Serena finishes instead. He nods, letting her think the half-truth is the full truth. She looks off into the distance and sighs. “His trip to the Sudan was unsuccessful, I think he’s in a really dark place again.”</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes. “When isn’t he? How’s uh…how’s Blair taking it?”</p><p>Serena sighs. “She’s Blair, she always thinks she’s the one responsible for Chuck.”</p><p><em>Probably because you and Nate have always made her feel that way</em>, Dan thinks, but doesn’t say.</p><p>“You know,” she continues, “you should text her, ask her to a subtitled movie or whatever pretentious crap you guys do together. She could probably use the escape."</p><p>"I don't what to be pushy..."</p><p>"Whatever happened to fighting for the girl you love?” And, well, Dan has nothing to counter with there.</p><p>---</p><p>He does end up texting her, asking her to go see <em>The Umbrellas of Cherbourg</em> with him. He worries for hours after he sends the text; up until now she had always been the one to set the plans. But she eventually does text him back and tells him she’ll be there in thirty minutes.</p><p>It’s the afternoon matinee, and the theater is nearly empty. As Catherine Deneuve is discovering she is pregnant, Blair rests her hand on his thigh, slowly moving upwards until she’s cupping him through his pants.</p><p>“What are you doing?” he hisses, trying to stay quiet.</p><p>Blair shrugs. “Just returning the favor.”</p><p>“I wasn’t trying to - you don’t have to -“ Dan tries to stammer out, but she interrupts him.</p><p>“Hush, you’re going to miss the movie.”</p><p>Soon, Blair’s hand is down his pants and Dan finds it rather difficult to concentrate on the song and dance of the movie. He bites his lip so hard when he comes that it actually starts to bleed a little. But it’s all worth it for the smug look on Blair’s face after.</p><p>She goes to wash her hands as soon as the movie is over, and Dan is half convinced that he’s scared her off again and she’s run away. But she comes back out and asks him if he wants to get a quick bite to eat instead.</p><p>“What about Chuck?” he can’t help but ask. “Shouldn’t you be pulling him out of an alleyway right about now?”</p><p>She waves him off. “I put Nate on Chuck duty for the day. So, dinner? I’m starving.”</p><p>There’s a pizza place right around the corner that Dan loves, but he figures Blair will scoff at the suggestion. To his surprise though, she agrees with little fight, although she does insist on cutting her slice with a fork and knife, which he can’t help but find incredibly offensive.</p><p>As they chat, he starts doing his classic overthink, wondering what it means that she’s choosing to be here with him tonight when she could be off helping Chuck. Wondering what it means that she told him she wouldn’t have sex with him, then gave him a hand job anyway. “What are we doing here exactly?” he blurts as he’s finishing up his third slice.</p><p>“We’re eating greasy, fattening pizza,” she replies, acting as if she’s talking to a child.</p><p>“No, not that, I mean the movies, and the museums, and the…the other stuff. It almost feels like dating. But you’re still waiting for him?” She nods, giving him the confirmation he did not want. “As much as I hate to feel any sympathy for Chuck Bass, what you’re doing here isn’t exactly fair. To me or to him.”</p><p>Blair shrugs. “Making up my mind when it comes to men has never exactly been my strongest suit. But fine, no more sexual favors, how about that?”</p><p>Dan’s not exactly thrilled to hear that, but it would certainly make things less confusing. “Yeah, okay, fine. And as for the rest...?”</p><p>“Friend stuff. Because that’s what we are, right? Friends?” He can hear the vulnerability in her voice, as if she’s worried he’ll say no, that it’s not enough. And it’s not, but beggars can’t be choosers and he’ll take whatever he can get.</p><p>“Yeah. We’re friends,” he agrees.</p><p>The smile that stretches across her face then makes his chest hurt. “Good. So, then I can tell you that your sweater is way too boxy on you. You’re too skinny for baggy clothes.”</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes and steals one of her garlic knots.</p><p>---</p><p>Thanksgiving rolls around and Dan decides to do a quiet dinner in his new West Village apartment, only inviting Nate and Serena.</p><p>Nate brings a giant bag of weed with him and the three of them get ridiculously high, scarfing down the entire meal in ten minutes flat. Afterwards, they lounge on the couch, watching the only DVD Dan had on him when he left his dad’s, <em>Aladdin</em>. They sing along poorly to all the songs, and Dan finds he misses Vanessa in that moment, remembering how they used to make fun of Disney movies all the time during their “trying to be edgy” middle school days.</p><p>After the movie ends and the credits roll, Nate turns to them and says, “<em>The Spectator</em> is folding.” Dan and Serena both start to offer their condolences, but Nate waves them off. “No, it’s fine, really. It was probably for the best. I’m thinking of finally moving out to California in the spring, maybe finish my degree, maybe not. But it’s just nice to not have any more expectations on my back.”</p><p>“That’s great, man. I’m really happy for you.” And Dan means it, although a part of him will be very sad to see Nate go.</p><p>After a few moments of silence, Serena says, “I’m leaving, too. Not until after Christmas, but I’m going to go travel for a while, try to finally find myself.”</p><p>“Hey, fifth times the charm, right?” Nate jokes and she lightly shoves him. She then turns to Dan, pretending to hold out an invisible microphone.</p><p>“So, Mr. Humphrey, what are your plans for the future?” she asks, mock seriously.</p><p>Dan scratches behind his ear. “I don’t know, really. I missed so much class with the book tour and everything last year, I probably won’t finish my credits until the end of next summer. And then, I was actually thinking of applying to grad schools. NYU or Columbia. I also probably need to get back into writing soon. I haven’t actually written anything since I stopped doing <em>Inside Out</em>.”</p><p>Serena says the unspoken part out loud. “You lost your muse.”</p><p>“A little bit, yeah,” Dan allows. “But I think I also lost myself a bit too.”</p><p>Nate claps him on the shoulder. “We all did, man. But all that matters now is that we’re trying to fix it.”</p><p>---</p><p>A few days later it storms all night, a dreary kind of rain that makes Dan just want to curl up in bed with a well-worn Hemingway novel. And he plans to do just that until Blair shows up at his door, soaking wet. He goes to get her a towel and fresh clothes, and it’s not until she’s dry that he realizes she’s been crying.</p><p>He sits her down on the edge of his bed and asks what happened. She tells him how Chuck was in one of his dark moods again, and she tried to comfort him, telling him once again that it didn’t matter to her whether or not he was in charge of Bass Industries, but he pushed her away, literally shoving her, telling her that he was nothing without success, that he had nothing to live for without it, not even her. “So, I decided to give him some space, let him cool off, I guess,” she finishes. “And, well, Serena gave me your address when you first moved in… I hope it’s okay that I – "</p><p>“Of course it’s okay that you’re here. I meant what I said about always being there for you. But why do you keep going back to him, Blair? Why do you keep letting him push you away? If he really did want to be with you, he would be.”</p><p>Blair shakes her head. “It’s not that simple.”</p><p>“Yes. It is <em>that</em> simple.”</p><p>She sighs, unable to look him in the eye. “It’s just…Chuck and I have gone back and forth to each other so many times. If we don’t end up together then all of that pain was for nothing.”</p><p>“But is the satisfaction of finally getting Chuck Bass to commit worth an unhappy future?”</p><p>“We won’t necessarily have an unhappy future,” she tries to protest.</p><p>“How can you say that when you don’t even have a happy present?”</p><p>Blair narrows her eyes at him. “You think you could give me a happy future, don’t you?”</p><p>“I – I like to think so, yeah. But I don’t know. All I know is that I wouldn’t push you away over something as silly as whether or not I was a CEO.”</p><p>She nods, absorbing that, before standing up. Dan stands up with her, thinking she wants to leave, but she only says, “I’m just going to the bathroom, be right back.”</p><p>But when she comes back out, the sweatpants and sweatshirt he had given her have disappeared, leaving her in only a threadbare old t-shirt of his that barely reaches her thighs. Dan feels helpless as she saunters over to him, not able to take his eyes off her legs, even as she wraps her arms around him and starts to kiss his neck.</p><p>He takes a shaky breath, before asking, “Blair, what are you doing?”</p><p>“Shut up,” is her only reply before she kisses him. It’s the first time they’ve kissed since they broke up, and it kills Dan to have to push her away.</p><p>“I thought you said no sex?”</p><p>“Well, maybe I’ve changed my mind,” she says as she reaches for his belt buckle. But Dan grabs her hand and stops her.</p><p>“No, Blair, not like this.”</p><p>“You don’t want to? You don’t want me?” she asks, hurt in her voice.</p><p>Dan rubs his hand across his face and takes a step back away from her. “Of course, I want you, but not like this. Not when you’re vulnerable, not when you’re trying to prove a point, not because of him.”</p><p>“And I thought you said you would never push me away.” Dan realizes then that this was a test, and in her eyes, he’s failed.</p><p>“Blair, come on, that isn’t fair.”</p><p>“You’re just like him. You say you want nothing more but to be with me, but here I am, giving myself to you, and you don’t want it.”</p><p>“I do want it – you – I love you so, so much it physically pains me, Blair. But you only want to have sex with me tonight to get back at him. And…I’ve already let myself go so far down this road that when you end up with him, I’m going to be crushed. You don’t have to make it even harder by sleeping with me before you break my heart. Again.”</p><p>“Is that really what you think of me?” she asks, voice small. “That I’ve just been toying with your heart to get back at him for making me wait? That I’m that heartless and cruel? I told you I loved you, Dan!”</p><p>“But you also told me you were waiting for him! So, you can maybe understand why I still don’t feel secure here.”</p><p>She starts to cry again, and Dan pulls her in, letting her bury her wet face in his chest. “I just…I’m so scared. I’m scared of ending up with him, I’m scared of not ending up with him, I’m scared of not having you in my life. I’m sorry I’m such a mess, I’m sorry I’m torturing you by being unable to make a choice, I’m sorry I’ve treated you the way I have. You don’t deserve me.”</p><p>“Blair, stop it. Just because you’ve done some bad things doesn’t mean you should punish yourself for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy. <em>Truly</em> happy.”</p><p>They eventually crawl into bed together, Dan holding her close to him all night long, trying to soothe away her despair. They don’t do anything more, but it’s still the most intimate moment of his life.</p><p>---</p><p>The next morning when he wakes, she’s gone, the clothes she borrowed neatly folded and left on the edge of the bed. He figured that would happen, but it still doesn’t make it hurt any less.</p><p>Serena texts him, asking him to meet her for brunch with her mom. Dealing with Van der Bass drama is the last thing he feels like doing, but Serena is insistent and it’s not like he has anything else going on.</p><p>Halfway through his breakfast frittata though, his dad storms into the restaurant, heading straight towards their table. “Dan!” he says loudly, probably not wanting to shout. “I know we’re not talking, but I really have to hear secondhand that you’re dropping out of college? And you’re so close to being done, too!”</p><p>Dan furrows his brow, confused. “What, I’m not – “ And then he glances over at Serena, who has a devilish look in her eyes. “You didn’t! I told you not to get me involved,” he angrily whispers at her.</p><p>“You’re not, you’re just the bait,” she whispers back. He huffs as Serena turns to Rufus. “I’m so sorry about all of that Rufus, I was mistaken. Dan’s not dropping out. But now that you’re here, why don’t you join us for brunch? My mom doesn’t mind, does she?” Serena asks pointedly.</p><p>“Uh, well, I guess not,” Lily says awkwardly, put on the spot. So, Rufus sits.</p><p>After ten minutes of incredibly uncomfortable small talk, Serena fake gasps and turns to Dan. “Oh my god, we forgot! We totally had plans with Nate. God, we better hurry. Hopefully, he’ll forgive us,” she says, really laying it on thick. She practically manhandles Dan to get him out of his chair, forcing him out of the restaurant.</p><p>Once they’re outside, Dan shoots her an annoyed look. “You’re lucky you’re charming, because your acting abilities are atrocious.”</p><p>“Oh, shut up. Look!” she exclaims, pointing through the window. He follows her gaze to see Lily and his dad are still talking, laughing even. “When have you ever seen either one of them that happy with anyone else?”</p><p>And, well, Dan does have to admit it would be nice to see at least one Humphrey man get the girl.</p><p>---</p><p>After Serena’s little <em>Parent Trap</em> moment, Dan finally calls his dad and asks if he could come over to the loft to talk. He’s heard Ivy has left town after getting cast in some movie, so he figures it’s safe from con artists and inappropriate sexual relations.</p><p>It’s a little awkward at first; Dan hasn’t really had a real sit-down conversation with his dad since before he left for Rome. But they warm up quick once they start talking about Mumford &amp; Sons’ newest album. Finally, Dan feels comfortable enough to say, “I’m sorry, Dad. I hurt you and I jeopardized our relationship. And you were right, I wasn’t acting like myself. I don’t want to be that person anymore.”</p><p>“I’m sorry too, Dan,” his dad says. “You were right, I shouldn’t have been with Ivy. I think I just didn’t know how to handle the end of my marriage to Lily. You were off in Rome, Jenny was off with your mom, and well, I was lonely, and Ivy was there. But that’s not an excuse…you had every right not to trust her, to be upset with me.”</p><p>Dan pulls his dad into a hug, feeling like a little kid again as Rufus holds him tight. As he pulls away, Dan finds himself asking, “How are things with Lily? You guys seemed friendly the other day.”</p><p>His dad shrugs. “It was nice to be pleasant with her again, sure. But she’s still married to Bart… How are things with Blair?” Dan looks over at him, surprised. “I know more than you think, son.”</p><p>“Uh, I don’t know. Things are more confusing than ever, really.”</p><p>His dad smiles sadly. “Sounds like we could both use a drink, then.”</p><p>---</p><p>Dan stumbles into his apartment piss drunk that night, his dad and him having got a little carried away with their commiseration drinking. So, he is in no way prepared for when Nate calls him and tells him that Bart is dead, having fallen off the roof of the Empire. The police think Chuck was with him when it happened, but no one is able to track him down.</p><p>“Where’s Blair?” is the first thing Dan finds himself asking.</p><p>“She was with me,” Nate tells him. “We were at Columbia together, she was re-enrolling, I was giving up my spot permanently.”</p><p>There’s too much for Dan to unpack in that sentence, so he focuses on the most pressing issue. “She <em>was</em> with you?”</p><p>“The police are asking her about Chuck right now. I’m next. They’re bringing everyone in, Serena, Lily, even Jack Bass…”</p><p>Dan rubs his eyes, the world feeling like it’s spinning. But he knows what he needs to do. “I’ll be right there. Text me what precinct.” He hangs up, and goes to splash cold water on his face, picking up the largest coffee he can find on his way.</p><p>When he gets there, Nate is with the police, and Serena and Lily both hug him tight. But Dan only has eyes for Blair, who’s sitting by herself in the corner, looking like she’s just seen a ghost. He takes a seat next to her, hesitantly putting his arm around her, half expecting her to push him away. But she doesn’t, just turns to him and says, “Chuck wouldn’t do something like this, right? Even if something did happen, it was just an accident, probably. Right?”</p><p>Dan’s not quite sure, knowing full well what Chuck is capable of. “Yeah, maybe,” is what he tells her though. “But no matter what happened, at least we know Bart deserved it.”</p><p>Blair nods. “He was a horrible man. At least now none of us have to worry about what he’ll do anymore.” She doesn’t say anything more, and Dan can’t help but glance over at Lily. She looks shocked, but there’s a lightness to her movements as well, as if she’s finally free. With one arm still wrapped around Blair, he pulls out his phone with the other hand, and texts his dad, telling him to come right away.</p><p>It feels like centuries pass in that stuffy police station, but in reality, it’s probably only an hour or so later when Chuck walks in. The police go to bring him into an interrogation room, but Chuck holds up his hand. “Wait, please, I want them all to hear this part, too,” he says, gesturing to everyone still waiting. “I was on that roof with my father, and we did fight. But he fell off by accident, after he tried to lunge at me. I understand that there will be an investigation, and a trial maybe, but I just want everyone to know now that I never wanted it to end this way.” He nods then, and lets the police take him in.</p><p>Lily and Blair both let out relieved sighs, and Dan watches as Lily pulls his dad in for a tight hug. He smiles, knowing then that they’re going to be okay. Everyone starts to file out, and Dan finally starts to leave Blair’s side, figuring that she will want to stay behind and wait for Chuck to be done. But instead, she grabs his wrist, asking softly, “Take me home?”</p><p>---</p><p>When they get to the penthouse, Blair leads Dan into her room. “Can you just lay with me tonight? I really don’t want to be alone.”</p><p>He nods. “Of course.” She pulls out a pair of sweatpants for him to change into, and Dan is surprised to see that they’re an old pair of his. He doesn’t comment on it though.</p><p>They spoon in silence for a while, before Blair’s voice suddenly rings out in the darkness. “I think I’ve finally made up my mind.” Dan tenses, waiting for the rejection that is sure to come. But instead, she says, “Tonight, when I thought Chuck had run off somewhere he couldn’t be extradited, I started imagining what the rest of my life was going to look like without him in it. And everything was so…easy and simple. I used to think that was a bad thing, that love was supposed to be hard, that it was supposed to feel intense and complicated.”</p><p>“But now?” he asks, heart starting to beat fast.</p><p>“Now, I just want something easy and simple.” She rolls over then, and he can feel her eyes on him, even in the dark. “I just want to be happy.”</p><p>He smiles and kisses her then. She kisses him back passionately, but they are both aware that it’s not going to go any further tonight, both too emotionally and physically exhausted.</p><p>Dan gets the best night’s sleep he’s had in months and when he wakes up, she’s still right there in his arms.</p><p>---</p><p>Bart Bass’ second funeral is awkward, to say the least. Everyone pretends not to notice that once again Rufus Humphrey is inappropriately close with Bart’s widow. Chuck is able to come, after having pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter. Lucky for him, he had the best lawyers money could buy, and he got off with just a fine and a six week house arrest that starts immediately afterwards.</p><p>It had come out in the investigation that Bart was planning on killing Chuck. The Upper East Side has always been good at looking the other way when it comes to rich, powerful white men, but apparently the premeditated attempted murder of your only son is a step too far for even that crowd, and the funeral is sparsely attended as a result.</p><p>Dan and Blair attend together, Blair having given Chuck his ring back the day before. She didn’t want to talk about it, but Dan figures from the glares Chuck keeps sending his way that it wasn’t too pleasant.</p><p>They forgo a real wake, just family and close friends only at the Van der Woodsen penthouse. His dad is the one who handles everything, making sure everyone has enough to eat, that everyone is comfortable, and Dan wonders how long it will be until he moves back in.</p><p>As Serena is excitedly telling him about all the faraway places she’s going to be seeing in three weeks, Dan gets a text from Blair, asking him to meet her in Eric’s old room. As soon as the door is closed behind him, she jumps him, pulling at his suit.</p><p>“Blair, what are you doing, this is a funeral…” he protests weakly.</p><p>“For Bart Bass,” she replies pointedly. “Even Chuck’s not going to care if we disrespect his memory.” And, well, Dan’s only a man with so much willpower.</p><p>When he enters her, it feels like coming home.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>FIVE YEARS LATER</strong>
</p><p>“Are you nervous?” Nate asks him, smiling white teeth contrasting greatly against his California-suntanned skin.</p><p>“Isn’t that like the worst possible thing to ask a groom?” Dan says wryly. “But no, I’m not nervous. I’ve been waiting for this day for so long, I can’t believe it’s finally here.”</p><p>Nate pretends to throw up. “God, you’re such a sap.”</p><p>Serena knocks on the door then, poking her head in without waiting for an answer. “Aw, don’t you two look handsome. Come on, Blair’s ready to start.”</p><p>Dan nods, feeling the smile on his face grow impossibly wider. Nate pretends to gag again.</p><p>As he stands at the altar, watching her mom walk her down the aisle, Blair somehow looking more beautiful than ever before, Dan knows that he’s the luckiest man in the world, to be chosen by her.</p><p>He promises in his vows that he’ll spend the rest of their lives proving that she made the right choice.</p><p>Blair cuts him off, telling him, “I’m already positive that I did.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wanted to keep all the ridiculousness out as much as possible, but I couldn’t think of a better way to get rid of Bart without just letting him die. I hope that didn’t take anybody out of it too much.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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